Arctic Conditions
by CatieElectrox
Summary: RPS - Noel Fielding and Julian Barratt - What's the real reason behind the hiatus of The Boosh? Why did Fielding and Plume break up? Why does no-one ever see The Boosh boys together any more? What lies ahead for the future of The Mighty Boosh?
1. Broken Heating

Noel was at Julian's house. They were supposed to be writing for The Boosh, but, as usual, when Noel went round to Julian's and the two were left alone, they merely sat in companionable silence, with the TV or radio playing out in a soft murmur in the background. And after one too many beers, they would give up the pretence of actually writing anything and just sit there, side by side drinking, until they fell asleep together on the sofa. That is exactly what was happening. Except, there was nothing usual about the situation they were in. And the house was deathly silent. Apart from the noise of the traffic outside, the buzz of the fridge next door in the kitchen, and the breathing of the two men, unspeaking, yet sat together.

Of course, it was never _together_ together they fell asleep. Only next to each other. **With enough clothes for an expedition to the arctic,** Noel thought bitterly as he looked over at the other end of the sofa that contained Julian. Noel had removed his jacket as soon as he'd entered the house, and had since then shed his boots. Sitting curled up at one end of the sofa, with his odd-socked feet up on the cushions, Noel was wearing his usual mix of skinny jeans and an old band t-shirt that was wearing thin, offering him no protection against the biting cold of the air. Julian on the other hand, had remained fully wrapped up, in his own house, with his trainers, jeans, jumper, and even a bloody scarf on.

**He doesn't trust me.** Noel was really beginning to hate his mind for being so damned irritating all of the bloody time. Somewhere, in the more rational part of his mind, he recalled Julian saying something about the broken heating and it being November, but he decided to ignore it and remained focusing his attention on Julian. Sending him dirty glances, and radiating aggression towards the older man. Partly for being a twat these past couple of years, and partly because he had now started shivering in the cold air of the house. He hated it when Julian was right.

"Something wrong?" Julian sounds so smug up from the other end of the sofa. He doesn't even have his eyes open. Just lying there, dozing slightly whilst Noel has an internal conflict and shivers at the opposite end of the sofa. Yes he was angry, and wanted to shout and scream at Julian for being such a smug bastard, but laying there all still and perfect, he just looked so… beautiful.

**Stop!** He has to remind himself. **He doesn't feel that way about you, you know that. Don't let it get in the way of your friendship. **But it had already. And Noel knew that it had. Telling him had been a big mistake.

Nothing was the same. Noel had known that from the second he had walked in the door. There was a reason they had stopped the writing this time. And it was because Noel had ruined it with a few simple words. _I'm in love with you_. Because he was. Noel didn't just love Julian, like you'd love your parents or friends. But Noel was _in_ love with Julian, and had been for years. The only difference with this time, was that Noel had blurted it out backstage during their last tour.

The reason Noel had split with Dee. The reason why The Boosh had stopped after the tour. The reason why they only ever saw each other for a Boosh show to keep on repeating the same sketch, because they couldn't bear to be around him any longer than he had to be, meaning they couldn't stay and write stuff. The reason why they were no longer friends. Because Noel had told Julian those exact words, and received nothing but a cold shoulder in return. **He couldn't even bear to be in the same room as you**, Noel's mind provided as he recalled the way Julian had run out of the dressing room in a blind panic. He had hardly seen him for the rest of the tour. The only times being when they actually had to go on stage or sit in front of a camera for interviews. Continuing the charade for the public eye, whilst behind closed doors there was a war of emotion between the two.

That's why it had been so hard for Noel to come here tonight, whilst Julia had taken the kids away, as she always did when he and Julian were spending time writing together. It had been difficult, because Noel knew how much Julian despised him for how he felt. That was the real reason why nothing was being written. Because by telling Julian how he felt, Noel had created this unnameable tension which was all to alien and familiar to be able to pinpoint its origin. The tension had stopped their usual flow and banter, instead replacing it with awkward silences and a heavy uncomfortable atmosphere. Noel had broken them.

"Noel?" Noel snapped out of his internal thoughts by the slightly irked voice of Julian, who he now realised had turned to look at him when he didn't offer any sort of reply.

"What?" he snaps at Julian, not wanting him to realise he'd been thinking about him, even if it wasn't anything dirty. Julian however, seems to have powers of the mind. Well… Noel's mind. He has the ability to be able to read every single one of Noel's thoughts, which is not very convenient, considering that the majority of them consist _of_ Julian. He smirks at Noel. **This is going to be an enjoyable night. We can't even sit together without a conversation turning into a battle of who's going to win.**

"Why should write something?" It's a safe suggestion. One that will ease the tension a little bit… possibly. Or it could just make it worse.

"Fine." Julian sits up and reaches for the laptop on the table, before pulling it towards himself and pressing the power button. Five minutes later finds them looking at a blank document, with the cursor flashing at them tauntingly, almost daring them to write something. Anything. Noel suffers a particularly violent shudder from the cold and is instantly met with Julian's cold stare. Everything about this place is cold for Noel at the minute.

"Are you cold?" His tone is hard. Giving away none of the emotion behind. Julian's good at that. Shutting off all of his emotions.

"Well done Holmes you've solved the case! Call the police, we have our new detective. Why don't you start solving murders with that big brain of yours? Who needs fucking Columbo? Don't worry everyone, Julian Barratt will solve our crimes!" The sarcasm wasn't so much dripping off Noel's voice, as opposed to gushing out to create a river of unease. Noel's patience was started to wear thin in places, and the cold air of the flat was doing nothing to improve his festering mood.

Julian holds back a smirk, his eyes softening as he takes in Noel's inappropriate attire for October weather and cold house, and he seemed to be debating something with himself before he sits up straight, and starts tugging the bottom of his jumper up.

"Ain't it a bit soon to be getting to the bummin'?" Noel asks. He doesn't know why. Too ease the tension? Yeah. Cause that was always going to work. **Idiot.** Julian's eyes flick over to Noel, telepathically sending the exact same thing through his eyes – **idiot** – before he continues to pull of his jumper over his head.

"What are you doing?" Noel tries again, a bit more effectively this time.

"You're cold." He replies, holding the jumper out. Noel looks at it. It's corduroy. Noel nearly laughs on the spot, but manages to restrain himself from doing so. It's not so bad, he thinks. It could've been brown. It makes Noel chuckle how much like Howard Julian is sometimes. Just a light exhalation of air through the nose, so that Julian can't mistake it as Noel laughing _at_ him. But then again, maybe he isn't so much like Howard. Because Howard, when Vince kissed him, had turned gay. Not run away like Julian did, but instead had responded to the affection given by Vince. It didn't take a genius to figure out who had written that kiss into the show.

Noel still hasn't taken the jumper out of Julian's hand, just looking at it as though it will sprout some awful disease on him if he so much as touches it. Julian's looking uncertain now, as though Noel will take the jumper to mean some declaration of undying love. **For fuck sake.**

"Don't worry, if you get a rash I'll just play some Numan till you're feeling better." It's a weak attempt at their old banter, but it's something. **At least he's trying,** his brain tells him off unhelpfully. Noel smiles.

"Cheers mate." He says, taking the jumper out of Julian's hand, before cringing internally at his choice of words. _Mate?_ Julian hasn't socially been in a room with him since Noel's confession, unless, like now, he has been forced to. How is that a _matey_ thing to do?

Julian however, seems to relax at the words. **Prick.** Noel isn't that bad. Being gay doesn't change anything. He's always been gay, so why is it so different now with Julian knowing? Is it all the fleeting looks and touches in the back of clubs? The ones that seemed so innocent to Julian, but to Noel made his head spin and his cock hard. Has he now realised that they weren't just playing games, and were actually committing to something that had, god forbid, _feelings_ involved?

**Yes.** Noel realises with a jolt. **That's exactly what it is.**

"Well put it on then, or else we'll both be freezing for no reason."

Noel sits up and pulls the jumper on over his head. It's about two sizes too big, but Noel just rolls up the sleeves and sits back. Wrapping his arms around his knees, and hiding his face behind his legs, leaving him free to inhale Julian's scent from the jumper, as he closes his eyes, trying to re-learn his incredible smell. After quietly breathing in all of the scent, he opens his eyes to see Julian staring at him, a conflict written on his face, as though debating whether or not he should say something.

"Suits you."

"Thanks." Is Noel's muffled response.

When did their conversation become this stilted? Thought out. Cautious, like treading round broken glass. Treading lightly as though frightened of setting off a bomb.

"Right then." Noel exclaims sitting forward and dropping his legs so that they're hanging over the edge of the sofa. **The way they're supposed to,** Julian's voice is now in his mind too. Great. Just bloody great. As if he didn't think about him enough. "We need to actually do some work, or else Julia will probably shout at us both for fooling around when we should've been working." Noel doesn't miss the way Julian flinches at the term _'fooling around'_, and his anger finally bubbles up to the surface, his shitty mood finally breaking free.

"For fuck sake, what is your deal?" Julian looks up guiltily with a start at the harshness and aggression in Noel's voice. "Jesus Christ, I can just about you deal with you not wanting to spend more than five seconds around me alone socially, but when we're working and you get all jumpy like this? That's when I can't deal with it anymore. God, you had to be fucking forced into a room with me so that we can get some work done. Nothing's changed Julian. Nothing has changed between us." **Except that so much has**. "I was gay before you knew, and I'll continue to be the same level of gay now that you do know. I'm sorry if I disgust you, but for fuck sake, stop acting like I'm going to fucking jump you all the time. I've managed to control myself around you so far, I think I can handle your rejection for the next few fucking years. But if it's just you feeling homophobic? Then tell me now so that I can just fuck off." It's probably the longest either one of them has spoken to the other in about four years, and Julian looks more upset and torn by this speech than Noel thought he would've.

"Noel…" He reaches out as though to touch his arm, before looking at his hand, and dropping it heavily back into his own lap.

"Oh Jesus Christ. Just forget it. Okay?" He swings the laptop violently round to face him so that he's got something to do. He starts typing aggressively, the first signs of any work for the past few years. And it's something new. Something Noel has come up with just to see the look on Julian's face, to try and get back the old double act magic. To try and make him laugh. To get his friend back. When Julian doesn't speak or move after a couple of minutes, Noel looks up so that he can see what he's doing.

Julian's looking at him like nothing has ever been okay, and that he doesn't want to drop it, before he quickly drops his gaze, and all thoughts of the conversation. When he lifts his eyes again, it's to look back at the computer screen expectantly, as though he's waiting for the words to magically make sense to him. Noel goes back to typing, a little less aggressively this time.

Julian stays silent for a while, contrasting emotions playing about his face, as though he's once again trying to decide whether or not speaking will disrupt the peace, or bring it. Noel watches him out of the corner of his eye for a few moments, before turning to speak to him.

"What is it?" There's no malice in Noel's voice, just a question. He doesn't want to start any more wars. Julian waits a few moments before answering.

"Never thought I'd see the day you voluntarily wore cord." He says with the hints of a smile twitching at the corners of his mouth.

"I know. I think I may be coming out in that rash, I'm telling you. It's set off me allergies!" Noel's laughing now, freely and openly. It feels so good to finally be able to laugh around Julian again. And nobody's fighting. "I think the only thing that's stopping me from having a full out panic attack is the fact that you've decided to wear a different colour from your usual wardrobe. What happened to aggressive nutmeg?"

"I felt as though it were time for a change. Move on, you know. Work the other colours in the spectrum."

"Sorry, are we Vince and Howard now?" Noel's smiling again now too, and Julian laughs, actually fucking laughs, and to Noel it feels like Christmas already.

"What are you writing?" Julian's looking at the screen of the laptop now, to see the vaguely pieced together ideas of a character Noel's been coming up with. He's had the idea for a couple of months, thinking up a new character who wouldn't fit in his own show, and would be absolutely perfect for Julian to play. Noel pushes the laptop over to Julian's side of the coffee table to take a look whilst he puts his boots back on, his feet being victims of the cold air.

"I thought _I_ was the one who was meant to talk all the time?" he looks over to Julian, only to see that he's already looking at Noel, and just like that it's almost as if the past few years had never happened. The double act magic has finally reappeared, after four long years without any proper social contact. And it feels fucking marvellous.

Julian smiles at him again, and if Noel's grin gets any wider, his face might just split in two. All this time he's been worried about the magic being gone, but it was there all along. It just needed time to come back to them. It always had done. Even when they weren't stuck in a shitty argument, they always needed time to get over being all shy to one another. This time, Noel wasn't sure it would come back due to circumstance, but all of that washes away now with the realisation it just needed an extended period of time for the two boys to be together to get it up and running again. Something they haven't been getting a lot of recently.

"Just an idea I had for this character. I thought you could play him. Honestly, he's wicked. Really different to the other characters you usually do in the Boosh. I've done some drawings, but they're back at my flat. Don't really matter though, I can show you them later yeah? Anyway, I have a few plot line that could work, you can check 'em though yeah? I'm not very good with plots. I'm the visuals man. So, I thought we could have him wearing – "

"Why don't we just use Rudi and Spider again?" Noel feels as though he's been kicked in the stomach. "Instead of coming up with another idea I mean. It'll be quicker if we just use whatever plotline you had planned out for this character using characters we already have, won't it?"

"_Revisit?_" Noel doesn't know why that upsets him as much as it does. He was expecting it earlier, but since then he had thought that him and Julian had worked things out, and that they would be able to create something for their world again. Apparently not. It still shocks him the force at which the words leave his mouth however. He should be used to Julian acting like this towards them spending any more time together than is strictly necessary. But after behaving like they used to, even though it was for a tiny sliver of time, had given Noel more hope than ever that things were going to be okay.

Julian seems as taken aback by Noel's reaction as Noel himself. "Well… yeah, why not use them again?"

"I don't just want to _'revisit'_ the old characters." Noel sneers the word as though it's dirty to even suggest it, "For fuck sake it's getting boring. Some of those characters are about 15 fucking years old. We need new material, people aren't stupid. They have realised that we do the same old shit again and again. We need something else." It wasn't an untrue statement. Even in their recent escapade to Festival Supreme, they had just played out old sketches and characters, twisting and bending them to seem different, the entire time just playing out the same tricks they had been pulling for years. Apart from Julian's little wander into his solo shitty 'Jon Breeze' material. Stuff he didn't want to try out on his own because he was too much of a coward.

Noel had never had a problem with diving into audiences with new material. He was well received, and always had been. Especially since The Boosh. He had also collected a mass following by doing other publicity and shows. Something he had done in order to get Julian's attention. To be noticed by him. The thing that Noel had done to get Julian to notice him, had only served in making his fame stronger, whilst Julian lagged behind; carrying The Boosh, and doing the hard work to keep it afloat. All the while, Noel was swanning about, trying to get Julian to turn his head in his direction. The thing that Julian had clung onto like a life raft, was the thing that was now apparently the thing that he thought was dragging him down, the irony completely lost on him in his attempt to try and escape to his own world. And Noel took some twisted pleasure in that fact.

Or maybe Julian just wanted to rub Noel's face in no longer needing him.

"Shit? You think our stuff's shit? Fucking hell, sorry. I was only trying to save us fucking time." Julian's voice is annoyingly level and calm, and it only served in further destroying Noel's mood, which wasn't in the best of places to begin with.

"I don't want us to save fucking time Julian. I want us to be able to be like we used to be. It never used to be about what was 'quicker'. It was always about what was best for The Boosh. What was best for us!" He's standing up now. The argument is making him twitchy. He's always had problems dealing with stressful situations, and so tries not to get himself into them too often. Yeah, that's been going great recently.

"People love the old characters, which is why we revisit them. Come on I'm only thinking practically here." Julian's stood up as well now. Never been able to be on the lower hand, Julian's used to be the tall one, and so can't stand it when he's in an argument and there's someone above him.

"No it isn't. The reason we don't write new characters is because you can't stand to be in the same room as me long enough to write any new stuff. We _never _do new stuff anymore!"

"We _do_ do new stuff! What about that show we did at the Barbican?"

"Beck wrote the fucking music for that!"

"So?"

"What d'ya mean _'So?'_ We didn't bloody write it."

"What about Santa Monica?"

"What _about_ Santa Monica?"

"There was new stuff in that show"

"Yeah. Your fucking solo stuff. Hardly Boosh, considering _we_ are The Mighty Boosh. Yeah? _Us_. Together. _We_. And considering that that was _your_ character, _your_ bloody writing, and_ I_ had no fucking input on it, I wouldn't say that that was _us_ writing new material."

"Oh, so it's okay for you to do solo stuff now, but I'm not allowed. Is that what you're saying?"

"Of course that's not what I'm fucking saying! But I don't use Boosh as a tool to test out my new stuff. I don't call out of the blue, after near enough four fucking years, suggesting we do some gigs to _'ease off the fans, as they're getting a bit psycho'_, despite the fact our fans have always been fucking psycho, just so that I can test out new material for my fucking solo show."

The situation is vastly getting out of hand again, and Noel's eyes are starting to prick. For a moment, he actually fucking believed that they could have been what they were. That they could've been the double act extraordinaire. Now, in a matter of seconds, it's all fucked.

"You know what, fuck this. I don't need this shit. You're making stuff up again." Julian heads for the kitchen.

"Again?"

"Yeah. Again. Every time you realise you're losing an argument, or that something isn't going your way, you panic and go into meltdown. Start making stuff up."

"Like when?"

"Like now!"

"How am I making this up?" Noel is on the verge of tears now. He only has one last throw of the dice to win this round, and it needed to be doubles. "We haven't written anything new together since the bloody tour and you damn well know it."

Bingo.

Julian's stopped walking. He's stopped moving altogether. After a few moments he turns round to face Noel, who's still by the sofa. He advances forward into the living space again, speaking slowly in a low voice that leave vibrations hanging in the air.

"Don't you dare. Don't you bloody _dare_, bring up that tour. Don't you dare, d'you hear me? I don't want to hear a single word of it. You cannot just come back into my house and bring this up again. I won't have it, y'hear?"

"Julian please."

"Stop it."

"Julian please, just talk to me about it!" Noel's crying now, the tears spilling over. He lunges forward to latch onto Julian before he can make a run out of the door, just like Noel know he will.

"Get off me." Julian shakes Noel off so hard that he stumbles backwards. Julian continues through the living room heading towards the door. The backs of Noel's legs connect with the coffee table behind him, and he falls backwards over the table, throwing out his right arm to stop himself from hitting the edge of the table and knocking himself unconscious. Noel feels a sharp shooting pain travel up his arm, as his wrist crunches upon hitting the ground underneath all of the weight put on one arm. He manages to stop his scream of pain though, as he hears something worse than the grinding bones of his wrist – the opening of the front door.

Noel's head snaps up just as Julian puts one foot through the threshold.

"Ju!" Julian stops with the front door open, one foot on either side of the doorframe. Coat in one hand, door in the other, getting ready to slam shut behind him. But it doesn't. Because Julian's stopped moving. "Ju. Please." His voice is softer now. Tantalising. He's momentarily stopped Julian from running, but it's not enough. He needs to be sure. Because if he lets Julian walk back out through that door, there is no way on Earth that they will be able to be fixed. They'll be broken. Forever.

Something in the old nickname has Julian pinned to the spot like superglue though, and he isn't moving. Just staring at a point outside the front door, with the arm holding his jacket hanging limply at his side, the other hand holding the door like a lifeline, his knuckles turned white. Noel grasps onto the tiny glimmer of hope, and decides to push his luck before Julian walks out of his life for good.

"Jude? Please. We have to talk about this, you know we do. Please. Just… come back inside, yeah? Just close the door and we can have a cup of tea. Please just don't walk away again because I cannot live without you anymore. I've tried that, and it doesn't work. Please. Let's just…. Look, I'll just go to the kitchen and – Ah!" At his cry of pain, Julian snaps his heads round to look at him, lying a crumpled mess on the floor, with his legs all twisted beneath him, and tears streaming down his face.

His head swings back round to face out of the door as he opens his mouth as though struggling to say something, before giving up on the words that have failed him, and closing his mouth again.

"Please" his voice is breaking as the tears flow fast and free, streaking his pale face with diluted black lines. This broken plea is a last ditch attempt to get him to come back inside. It works. But only just. Julian takes a deep breath as though preparing himself for a major task, before stepping back into the house and shutting the door. His fingers loosen the grip on the coat and it drops to the floor. Julian's still tense and ready to leave at any given moment. Even so Noel breathes a sigh of relief for the momentary win.

Now that he's sure Julian isn't going to take flight straight away, he can focus on his wrist. Trying to rub some feeling back into it from where it went numb when he tried to get back up off the floor. Julian moves towards Noel cautiously, as though afraid if he were to make any sudden movements, Noel will attack.

"I hurt you." It's not a question. Julian and Noel have never seemingly needed questions to be able to communicate. The blandness of the tone in which Julian speaks is new though, and it makes Noel flinch. This is uncharted territory in their relationship, and Noel isn't quite sure how to deal with it, and so just shrugs.

Julian's crouched beside him then, reaching out to Noel's arm. The moment Julian's fingers make contact with his skin, his entire body is alight with electricity. The deprivation that's been building up for the past few years finally making itself known with the touch. Noel closes his eyes to savour the moment of pure bliss.

"Did I break anything?" Still with that chilling toneless voice.

"No, you're alright." Still holding onto his wrist. Noel opens his eyes to look at Julian.

Julian's looking mildly relieved, before he's wrapping an arm around Noel's waist to help him stand up. **So that you don't hurt yourself again you idiot**, his brain tells him. **I know**, he replies tetchily.

"I'll get you a bandage for your wrist." He still hasn't let go.

"Thanks." Julian leads him to the kitchen by his waist, as though he had injured his ankle and not his wrist; allowing Noel to lean into him as they hobble slowly to the kitchen area where the first aid box is kept under the sink.

Upon entering the kitchen, Julian leans Noel up against a counter so that he doesn't overbalance, before rushing over to the sink to retrieve the first aid box. He places the box on the side next to the sink, before returning over to Noel to wrap his arm around his waist again, and take his wrist into hand. Noel and Julian hobble once again over to the sink, where Julian starts the cold tap running and places Noel's hand under it.

After a couple of minutes Julian turns the faucet off, and gives Noel a tea towel to dry his hand on, not wanting to do it himself for fear of hurting the other man. Whilst Noel dries his hand, Julian unwraps the bandage for Noel's wrist. Noel holds out his arm when he's finished, and Julian gingerly takes his wrist, before he starts bandaging it up.

"Cheers for that Ju. My bloody wank hand as well!" Noel jokes feebly. He gets nothing from Julian except his eyes flicking up to meet Noel's with a cold warning stare, all the while continuing to wrap the bandage round his wrist. His eyes flick back down to concentrate on the bandaging so much, Noel's pretty sure he can feel a hole being burnt through his hand. Julian continues to bandage the hand, and the two remain in a deathly silence for the duration. Julian feeling guilty and turning it inwards on himself in a silent torture, and Noel not wanting to say anything that would further aggravate the other man.

"You should probably go to see a doctor or someone. Don't want to take any chances after all." Julian says as he's finishing. "And get some ice on that when you get home. Otherwise the swelling will be horrendous." Julian looks up then, still holding onto Noel's wrist.

He starts slightly when he notices the intensity of Noel's stare, and the fact that he's been staring at him this whole time. Of course, now that Julian's looked up, he's looking directly into Noel's eyes. Neither can help it, and for a short while the two men just stand there, staring into each other's eyes. Neither saying anything.

After what feels like a lifetime, Noel notices a slight pressure on him arm. He looks down to notice Julian's hand still encircling his wrist protectively and tentatively. Julian follows Noel's gaze, and his eyes widen slightly, as though he hadn't realised he was still holding onto Noel's wrist. He drops it immediately, and moves around to the other side of the kitchen, so that the island counter is placed in between the two men.

"I…" Noel knows what's coming, but it doesn't make it any easier hearing it straight from Julian's lips. "I… think you should go."

But Noel isn't giving up. He came in here to talk to Julian, and so help him god he was going to talk to Julian if it bloody well killed him.

"No." Noel isn't about to let this get away from him. He decides to go with his instinct, because this game is quickly slipping through his fingers once again, and if Noel doesn't take a gamble then he's going to end up losing everything for good. "No, I'm not going to go. And you know why? Because I love you Julian, and deep down I know that you love me too!" Julian seems to do nothing for a minute. Just stares at Noel blankly. Then he takes a deep breath, and seems to steel himself against whatever he's planning on saying next. Noel understands why, when Julian opens his mouth and starts speaking.

"I don't feel that way about you. I've _never_ felt that way about you. That's never what this was for me, it's what _you've_ made it for _you_. Prancing about like a woman? And a slutty one at that too. Always asking me to come and dance with you, play with you, touch your hair, _kiss_ you. Julia would be right next to me, but you didn't seem to give a shit what you would be putting on the line for me, so DON'T. YOU. _DARE_. IT WAS ALL ABOUT TRYING TO SEDUCE ME, SO THAT _YOU_ COULD SATISFY _YOUR_ FEELINGS. Not mine. _Never_ mine. You. Make. Me. _Sick_." Julian makes sure to pause after each of the last words, emphasising each one of them. "I hate you." There's no inflection to his last words. Merely a statement.

"Fuck." Noel's breath hitches on the word, showing just how broken those words have actually made him. His body is numb, and he can't stand still, twitching as he paces the kitchen, filling it with his nervous energy.

"You need to leave now." Julian's cold, hard voice from the other side of the kitchen. Noel looks up to look at him with tearless eyes. He can't even cry, is body still un-processing of the words delivered to him like a punch. The shock is written all over Noel's face as he pulls the jumper off slowly, mussing up his hair around his head as he does so, before placing it on the counter. He can't even bring himself to care about his hair, leaving it as it is. If that doesn't show Julian just how hurt he's been by his words, then nothing ever will. Julian's hands are still braced on the side of the kitchen island that's stopping them from being near each other, and that's probably for the best as Noel doesn't know what he'd do given half the chance to touch Julian. Punch him? Kiss him? Make love to him? Noel reaches out his hand across the table to try and wrap his fingers around Julian's in a last ditch attempt to bring them back together. His fingers ghost over Julian's for mere milliseconds, before Julian's hand is snatched away like it's been burnt. Cradling it to his chest like he's in pain.

"Never touch me" He whispers.

And that's all he can remember, before he's running to the front door, wrenching it open, and running out into the freezing cold of the night. Not looking back once.


	2. Icy Tears

Noel's shaking. Not because his flat's cold, which it's not, but because sobs are racking his slight frame. He's glad. Because the pain he's feeling is the only reminder he's got of Julian in his life anymore. However sick and twisted that is, he's still glad.

He's also glad Lliana isn't in to see him like this. He wouldn't know how to explain himself. He wouldn't even know where to begin. She wouldn't understand. She never understood when it came to Julian. She wasn't like Dee. Dee. And, even though Noel hadn't thought it possible, the sobs intensified.

He'd fucked everything up with Dee. Everything. He knew that she and he were perfect for each other in every way. Apart from one. He didn't love her like he loved Julian. And she knew. He'd told her. And then she'd left him.

The oddest part of it was why she'd left him. That conversation was the biggest shock of them all.

He'd stormed into their little hotel room in a state. Drunk, crying, and possibly a little bit high. He couldn't remember exactly what it was he had taken, but he knew that it wasn't legal.

Dee had seen him like this on many occasions previously, but it was a couple of years ago now, when he'd go out to parties, getting drunk, high, anything that would be offered just so that he could get away from the pressures of yet another day spent with Julian, unable to touch him.

Of course she'd thought he'd been with someone else. In all her time with him, never once had he been this upset.

"Noel. It's okay. I mean, if you...slept, with someone else...it's okay."

So nice. Always so nice to him. Even when he was a dick and showed her up, she remained loyal and by his side. The best sidekick anyone could ask for. Chi and Recard. The best fucking crooks in all the land. Outcast together. The best of friends. Lovers.

**You don't deserve her.**

"I didn't. I swear I didn't. I wouldn't. I love you Dee. So fucking much. I would never..." The rest of what he's saying is drowned out in a massive sob that is swallowed down by his hands as he covers his face with them. His hands don't cover his entire face. They aren't that big. Julian's would. Julian's are bigger. Julian. He sobs even harder.

Dee relaxes, which means that she believes him. Of course she does, she'd know if he were lying. He can sense that she doesn't know what to do though. She's totally at a loss. Standing next to the bed, where Noel's currently sitting on the hard mattress, sobbing his heart out, while she twists her hands not knowing what to do. Noel calms himself down, for her sake. Enough so that he can tell her what's going on. He needs to tell her what's going on.

"Come here" Noel doesn't even recognise his own voice. Cracked and warped with the nights activities, but he wants to help Dee to understand; because right now she hasn't got a clue, and it is breaking his heart. He knows that what he's about to say to her will break her heart, but he hasn't got a choice. It needs to be said.

**She deserves better.**

"Dee, you know I love you, right?" Noel's looking straight into her eyes. She's blurring in front of him, his eyes are filling up again and there's nothing that he can do to stop the tears from spilling over down his face. He's no longer sobbing however. That's got to be something.

She's looking directly back at him, into his eyes as well. He can sense her confusion. Worry. Pity. The one thing he never wants to feel from her. Pity. Because when the beautiful woman that you love begins to feel pity for you, rather than understanding or helping you? You're fucked anyway.

**You've always been fucked.**

"Of course I do." She replies. "Noel?" She sounds scared. "What is it? What's wrong? Tell me what's going on, please?" He's still looking into her eyes. He can sense her fear, the uncertainty. The uncertainty is what's scaring her, because she doesn't know what to do. But she wants to. God she wants to.

He does. He knows what he has to do, and it hurts. So fucking much. But it has to be done, for both their sakes. But he can't bring himself to do it just yet. It needs to wait to be said, because when he's looking into her eyes like he is now, everything else just goes away.

And so, looking into her eyes, still silently crying, he kisses her. It's not like their normal kisses. It's forceful. All of the anger and energy poured into the kiss. He's still drunk, enough out of it for it to be rough. His hands dominating her as he grips the sides of her head, pulling her mouth to his as though _this_ will make it all go away.

She gasps into his mouth. He's twisting his fingers deeply into her hair, knotting the roots around his digits so hard it's painful. She's making pained noises into his mouth, before she starts pulling at his fingers to get away. She doesn't want him.

**Nobody wants you.**

Then he realises what he's doing, and that he's doing it to her. The one person who he swore that he would never hurt again, and in a flash he's backed up against the wall of their hotel room on the opposite side of the room from her, leaving her sat on the bed alone. She's looking at him now with concern. She knows he'd never hurt her. She knows that.

**Maybe she doesn't. Maybe she's looking at you that way 'cause she's frightened that you will.**

**No. Stop it. It's not that. **Still looking at her, more tears start to flow. Good. Let them. He hurt Dee, so now it's his turn to be hurt. She's still looking at him, concern turning into horror as he puts his hands into his own hair, twisting it around his fingers just like he had done to Dee. He wants to feel the pain, because it's yet another pain that he's put her through, and he wants to make it up to her.

"No." her voice is firm as she starts to make her way across the room towards him.

"STOP IT NO." He's shouting at her, feeling more lucid, as some of the effects the drink and drugs had taken on him having worn off; enough to know that he doesn't want her coming anywhere near him in case he hurts her again. He's holding one of his hands out to stop her from coming any closer, the other one still twisting his hair. He expects her to freeze immediately, but she doesn't. She's not that easily deterred; and before he knows it, she in front of him, gently guiding his arms, so that his hand out of his hair. He doesn't want her to be near him though. He's disgusting and he doesn't want her to touch him, because she's perfect. She's always been perfect, and he doesn't want to taint her with his dirty, disgusting touch. He tries to pull away.

**She's too good for you.**

"No." she says again, and he can't help but obey her voice. He stops trying to pull away, but he's still tense; standing there with his arms down by his sides. "What's going on? Why do you keep trying to pull away?" she's cradling his face gently in her hands, so gentle in comparison to how rough he was being with her. The way she's holding his face means that he has no choice but to look her directly in the eyes as he answers.

"Because, I'm disgusting. You shouldn't want to be anywhere near me. God…" His voice is cracking because the tears are welling up again. "I'm so sorry Dee."

With that he slides down the wall so that he's sitting on the floor, crying softly to himself. Then suddenly, she's there next to him. Sat beside him, cradling his body as he leans into her open arms to be comforted. **Selfish, selfish bastard.**

"You're not disgusting. How can you even think that?" her voice is incredulous at even the mere mention of the word. The fact that it's coming from his own mouth seems to make her spit it out like a bad taste. "Please just tell me what's wrong?"

Noel sits up away from her arms. It's hard enough without having her comforting him. **Selfish. Always selfish.** "I love you so much Dee" he whispers, looking at the wall opposite them. He takes a deep breath to steady his nerves. It doesn't do much good, and threatens to worsen the situation again, as the newly acquired air he's just taken into his lungs threatens to escape him in more sobs. He needs to say it now before it has a chance to escape him.

"I kissed Julian." He shuts his eyes, awaiting the shouting match to begin. The screams, insults and tears, all directed at him to start flying as soon as the words leave his mouth. But nothing happens. He chances a look to his right, to see what Dee's doing. What he sees surprises him.

Dee is sat there, tears making her eyes shine. But that isn't what's surprising him. What's surprising him is the fact that she is smiling. Not a bitter or twisted smile, but a genuine, heartfelt smile. "About fucking time you pillock" she whispers.

"What?" he's frowning at her, not sure that she's entirely grasping the concept of what it is he's saying. But if she hadn't, wouldn't she have been relieved? Wondering why I was bothering her with something everyone knew? **She must've understood….** "Dee, do you realise what I'm saying? I don't mean in the show. I mean backstage. When no-one else was around. We were alone and I kissed him, not accidentally, but purposely. Not like a friend either. I don't just love him; I'm_ in_ love with him, and I wanna be with him." He winces at that last one. **Tactile Fielding**, his inner voice scolds him.

"I know. And I've been waiting for you to tell me." Noel's even more confused now.

"I'm confused. Why aren't you angry?"

"Why am I not angry? _Jesus_ Noel. How long have we been going out now? I know you better than you seem to think. I've seen the way you look at him. How you brighten the second he walks into a room. I've been waiting a fucking _age_ for you to actually tell me, so that I can finally fuck off and you two can get on with it." She smiling a bit wider now, but the tears have spilled over, taking her eyeliner and mascara with them. Her cheeks have shiny black streaks staining them, but she is still the most beautiful woman Noel thinks he's ever laid eyes on.

"But…" he's honestly speechless.

"I've been waiting for you to tell me how you felt about him for ages. Because I knew that once you'd told me, you'd finally have started admitting it to yourself, and that you'd be able to move on from me to get with Julian. _Finally._ So, are you two…." She doesn't need to finish the rest of her sentence for Noel to understand, which is good. She may already know how Noel feels, but it doesn't mean that it isn't hurting her to say it.

"No…" She looks at him questioningly as he stands, her left eyebrow raised. "He doesn't feel the same."

"Yes he does." She answers so quickly, and with such certainty that his head snaps up as he turns round to face her.

"What? Has he told you something? How do you know?" She looks into his eyes, so filled with hope that Julian has in some way confirmed these feelings to her, and her looks soften as she stands up to answer him.

"No…" His face falls as he walks around the bed, opting to sit on the seat ledge by the window on the opposite side of the room instead. "But it's obvious!" Noel just looks at her, smiling sadly. "It is! The way he looks at you, it's like you're his whole world. Like if you weren't there he wouldn't know what to do. He'd just… crumble." She says it with such passion that Noel nearly believes her. Until he remembers the way that Julian had run away after his declaration of love.

"It's not true." he's stubborn.

"It is." So is she.

"How can you be sure?" Noel's sure he gets her there. Positive when he hears her silence that he has won this discussion. After a few seconds however, she answers. Her voice is so small and timid that Noel almost misses what she says; as though she wasn't sure she should be saying it, but had to.

"Because he looks at you the same way I look at you…"

He looks over at her. Seeing her properly for the first time since he's walked into the room. More preoccupied with thoughts of Julian, and how he was going to tell her, that his mind hasn't had a chance to properly take in Dee and what she's doing.

She's all hunched in on herself. Not at all like she usually is – open and outgoing, ready to take what the world throws at her. It hurts him to see that she's turned into this because of what someone – because of what _he_ – has said to her. It breaks his heart, because he's broken her heart.

Tears are running down her face again, and so Noel gets up off the window seat, and puts his arms around her waist. It's a futile attempt to get her to stop hurting, as she wraps her arms around his neck and cries away her broken heart into his shoulder.

Noel's sobbing hasn't stopped. He hadn't realised that it was possible to have this many tears in his body. He wanted to go back in time. To before he'd told Julian, when everything had been good in his life. Back to when he was with Dee, and The Boosh was still going strong, with no hint of ever slowing down or stopping. Back to when he, Dee, Sue, Chris, Julian, and yeah even Julia, could go for a night out without everything being stilted and awkward.

Or even earlier in life! When it had just been The Boosh boys. When there was nobody else to complicate matters, or get in the way of him and Julian.** I wish I could go back before Julian had his kids. **It was an evil thing to think. Noel knew it was. But after Julian had kids, he'd never looked at Noel in the same way ever again. Watching Julian around his children, Noel knows that he will never again be the most important thing in Julian's life. And that hurts. That hurts a lot.

That's why he'd run out of Julian's flat. Julian had given him a look that showed his disgust, and Noel couldn't bear it. He could only just about bear Julian's kids coming before him – there was reason to that. It was justifiable. But the hatred and disgust in the look he had given Noel, before he had decided to run out of the flat, had left Noel feeling hollow and empty. That's why he had run out into the cold night air, running so fast he didn't even remember his phone, which he had left on the coffee table back at Julian's flat beside the laptop. He hadn't even remembered that he'd left his coat hanging by the front door of Julian's flat.

And now Noel was sat on his sofa, sobbing his eyes out in a bid to try and rid himself of four, _fucking long,_ years of heartache. He remembers what his life had been like with Julian before anything else had come along to spoil it. **Any**_**one**_** else rather.** He remembers before Dee and Julia. Before he'd known Rich. And hell, even before Mike had met him. Just when he and Dave had gone to see this quirky guy do some stand up, and Noel had thought it to be about the best thing ever.

Dave wasn't interested in meeting him, and so Noel had gone over to the fellow freak show, who had just exited stage, and was currently taking residence in the bar; hiding behind a pint, and looking as if he was uncomfortable just _existing_. But Noel had ignored all the signs that this guy didn't _do_ conversation, and wouldn't take well to a stranger striking one up with him, and bounced keenly over to him. **Because the man was a genius.**

It was around that time that Noel had started using that word to describe everything, and it became his well-known phrase. It was a couple of months into writing it into his character for The Boosh, that Noel had realised he was in love with Julian, and the only reason he had started using the word to describe everything, was to compare everything with how he viewed Julian.

He knew it was stupid, and that it wasn't a proper system, but he viewed Julian as a genius, and so in order to hide how he really felt about Julian, he overcompensated by using the word 'genius' to try and distract himself. This only led to everything being referred to as that, so that the word 'love' didn't slip from his mouth. Until later on, when twelve years of hiding and trying not to let it spill catches up with him, and he blurts it out backstage during their tour.

And so now, here he was. No Dee, Rich, Mike, Dave or Julia. **Just like you wanted.** But there's also no Julian. And there never would be again. Noel decides he doesn't want to think anymore. Doesn't want to remember anything else from his past. Because his past, good or bad, hurts. It hurts to think about. Bad, and it just reminds him how much of a failure he is. Good, and it hurts him to know that he doesn't have it anymore. Because he doesn't have any of it anymore. Everything from his past was gone. Including Julian.

And so Noel, who has left the sofa, rummages around the kitchen cupboards, through the large supply of spirits that he and Lliana have hidden from view of normal guests, reserving the collection for close friends and family. Chancing upon three bottles of whiskey, Noel holds them close to his chest, as though he were cradling children, and stumbles tearfully through the flat, to go to the empty bedroom, to remain there for the rest of the night.

It has been three days. Three, _god awful_, fucking days. How can everything go to such shit in that space of time? This wasn't like an episode of The Boosh, where everything could change within their half hour time slot. This was real life. Things like this weren't supposed to happen this fast in real life.

Except that they had. And Noel now felt as if he was playing out a part in a particularly bad rom-com. What would that make him? The lovesick protagonist, pining after the handsome, rugged hunk? **Hunk? Really?** Not that he doesn't think Julian's fit. Just the word hunk... **Urgh**. His mind is clearly also slowly going to shit.

But now Julian's on his mind again, and Noel can't do anything as the tears roll over. Noel tries to come up with a time in the last three days that he hasn't been either drinking or crying, but finds that he can't find any. He looks at the bottle in his hand.

Nobody's been round, and he has no way of knowing if people have tried ringing him on his mobile, as he has, very helpfully, left it at Julian's. So when there's a jittery knock at the door, Noel briefly contemplates not answering it. His flat is a mess after all. **And that's not the only thing.**

When the knocking on the door doesn't cease however, Noel becomes angry.

"FUCKING _ALRIGHT_" he isn't in the mood for any of his mate's shit. Unless it's Dave or Mike, which he highly doubts, as they're in LA, helping Rich tour, he'd probably end up slamming the door in their faces anyway. He didn't really count anyone else as a mate. They were all too shallow, and used him for his status, so that they could get on the front cover of magazines. If they weren't shallow, then he didn't want to see them anyway, as none of them really knew Julian, and so wouldn't think twice about slagging him off after they saw the state Noel was in, and who was the reason behind it.

The state he's in, and the mess around the flat would probably also make them think he'd turned back to drugs. **As if you hadn't considered it.**

He wrenches open the door, fully prepared to slam it shut again straight away. He couldn't even deal with himself right now, why would he want company? Then the man in the doorway turned around, and Noel halted his original plans, and settled for standing there mutely, shocked.

The past three days had been spent in isolation. He hadn't washed, eaten or slept. But he had drunk. Drunk a fucking lot. He had drunk, smoked and cried till his heart had snapped in two.

But none of that matters to Noel anymore. He can't bring himself to care.

Because there is Julian. Stood right there in front of him on his doorstep. He looks about just as bad as Noel feels. Unshaven, red ringed eyes, smoke fumes pouring off his very being. He's probably been drinking just as much as Noel has as well. And he hasn't showered either.

Noel knows his behaviour patterns well enough, to know that when Julian's like this, he doesn't take care of himself properly. Doesn't eat properly, sleep properly or wash properly. Nothing. Noel knows. Noel knows, because he is the exact same.

"Don't ask questions. Don't stop me." Julian all but growls, before he pushes Noel into the flat and slams the door shut behind him. These tiny details don't matter to Noel though, because he's been pushed up against the wall by Julian's mouth upon his own.


	3. Cold Feet

Yeah. As if Noel would ever even consider pushing him away. As for questions? He hadn't even had the chance to form any in his head before Julian had him pushed him up in his hallway. He was kissing him with such a ferocity that it stole all the breath from him to be able to ask questions with, and stopped all thoughts from forming in his head to even begin forming any.

Even if he had any questions, he wouldn't do anything to stop this. Questions would definitely mean stopping this.

**No way.**

For once, Noel and his mind were in complete agreement. There was no way Noel would be interrupting this. How could he miss this? There would be time for questions later on, when they were both satisfied.

Noel hadn't even had the chance to fully comprehend Julian on his doorstep, before Julian had him pinned up against the wall, slamming the door shut behind himself. Noel goes completely slack under Julian's controlling, if it weren't for being pressed between Julian and the wall, he would've no doubt slumped to the floor.

There is a dull thud as the bottle which Noel had long since forgotten about drops onto the floor by the two men's feet. Noel was silently glad that he had run out of whiskey on the second day, as it meant that he'd moved onto vodka – something which wouldn't stain or smell, where the fallen bottle's contents had sloshed out over the rim of the bottle, and onto the carpet.

To be honest? It isn't that important anyway.

Julian's hands are in his hair, crushing his face into Noel's. Julian makes an annoyed noise into his mouth, and Noel belatedly realises that he isn't responding the way Julian wants him to; if the way Julian is knotting the hair round his fingers is anything to go by. His hair is shorter than it once had been, but it is long enough for Julian to get enough purchase to yank on, silently telling Noel to respond the way he wants.

The sharp hair pull finally drives Noel's senses into action. His now vacant hands sliding up Julian's back as he moans into the older man's mouth. Years of pent up lust and upset pouring themselves into that kiss. Julian groans deeply, the noise reverberating through Noel as he gets more confident with what he's doing, sliding his alcohol-soaked tongue alongside Julian's.

Years of doing this on-stage and on-screen for The Boosh mean that both men are comfortable with each other's mouths. The lack of awkward teeth clashes and nose bumps show just how well they know each other; inside and out. **They could know each other better**, Noel thinks.

Noel gets properly involved then, twisting one of his hands into Julian's hair, whilst his other arms goes around his neck, to ensure that he stays within kissing height.

Julian is everywhere. Noel can smell his scent and those of the cigarettes and booze that he's been taking for the past few days; hear his laboured breathing; feel his body pressing right up against his in the hallway. **Taste him…**

Everything cliché that could have happened for Noel did. There were fireworks, butterflies, somersaults, backflips the sea crashing; the whole shebang as their mouths worked together furiously.

After a couple of minutes just aggressively going at each other, when Noel was able to untangle the mix of thoughts scrambling round in his head, questions rose to the surface, making themselves known. His mind just couldn't help wandering off to question this change that had come over his Julian. Why now? Why did he change his mind? He knew that if he were to actually voice these queries out loud then there would be problems, and Julian would probably leave again. So instead of settling these questions that were burning a hole in his head, Noel submitted to Julian's will completely and utterly.

Though he couldn't help but wish that he could just, for once, see into Julian's head to know what he was thinking.

**Why have I wasted all this time?**

**All those nights spent home alone, whilst Julia was away and I was bored out of my mind. Reduced to having a wank over some nameless girl pictured in my mind. Or the nights where Julia was home, but had a migraine, headache, was sick, didn't feel up to it, her nipples hurting from the hard gums of twins. Once again resulted in me knocking one out over some nameless tart in my mind.**

**Or even the sleepless nights! The one's where Julia and I tried to make a night of the evening. Got as far as rolling on a condom, before screaming children wondering when their next meal would be, interrupted. Or later on when they were older, and would come knocking at the door because of a bad dream.**

Every time he had felt unwanted and lonely. All those times his mind had wandered back to Noel and what it was he was doing. Whether or not he was thinking of him too. What would happen if he went round and kissed him? How would he react? But of course, Noel had Lliana now. They were probably having sex as Julian lay in bed at half mast, peeling off the condom that had been destined to never be used.

Yet all it would've taken, was for him to knock on the door, and claim what was rightfully his. Because Noel was his. Completely and utterly. The noises that Noel was making proved this hypothesis, and so Julian forgot. Forgot about those seven long years of being denied sex that wasn't just a quick fumble of hands under the duvet before the kids would wake up. Four of those years, where he hadn't even had the presence of his best mate to be able to cheer him up. To offer a comforting hug, or hand on the shoulder. To say "It's alright Ju! It isn't just about sex you know!" with a serious expression that suggested he too was having trouble.

But he had lost his best friend.

He knew that this wasn't strictly true, but to him – it was.

**It's your own fault.**

**No. It's **_**Noel's**_**.** His brain was sneering Noel's name as though a foul word or insult. When had he stopped even praising Noel for just existing?** When everything had turned to shit between you.** The inseparable duo, ruined forever by just a few little words**. It was you who made that decision….**

**Not the point**, Julian argued back against his treacherous thoughts.

But maybe it _was_ the point. After all, Julian was here now; and what had changed? Nothing. They were still the same two guys they had been when they met. Their foundations were still the same, except for that one tiny detail. **But that **_**one tiny detail**_** had been there before**, his mind protested, **and you were never like this**.

**That was different**, Julian fought back, determined to win.

**What? It was different because you didn't know? Shallow.** But it can't have been that, otherwise what the hell was Julian doing here at half past eleven at night, three days after an argument with his best friend who had told him he loved him four years previous, only to have it thrown back in his face? **Christ you're a fuck up.**

Julian, deciding upon stopping brain activity, picks up Noel in the hallway, grabbing onto his arse whilst Noel's legs wrap themselves around Julian's waist. Julian's thoughts do stop, as well as his breathing – both stolen away with just how easy it is to make this beautiful creature make those noises of love and adoration.

Noel breaks away from this kiss, trying to say something, but Julian isn't having any of it. If he stops to let Noel talk he'll have time to think, and thinking will lead to this stopping, which right now he is definitely not in favour of. So he does what he thinks is best, he carries Noel through the flat, and into the bedroom.

Julian's knees hit the bed and he stumbles and falls, Noel hitting the bed, with Julian landing on top of him. The drop however, causes the two men's crotches to rub together, creating a glorious rubbing that relieves them both momentarily. The two men pull away simultaneously, moaning and panting into each other's mouths, both gyrating their hips into each other to keep the insistence of their hard-ons at ease.

After pulling away from Noel, Julian is suddenly aware of the lack of Lliana. His eyes alertly start scanning the room for her, cursing his own stupidity for not looking for her sooner. She could also be back at any minute. How stupid could he be? He tries to separate himself from Noel to look even further around the room, as though she could be hiding secretly in a corner of the room, but Noel insistently wraps his legs around Julian's waist again, pulling him back down so that their crotches create delicious friction. Noel isn't pulling away, but that only panics him further – she could walk in at any second.

He scans the room alertly, trying to detach himself from Noel, but he's insistent on not letting go, instead choosing to kiss his way up and down Julian's neck.

"Away." He mumbles into the skin of Julian's throat, where Noel's decided to latch himself onto to give Julian a love-bite, or some other mark that will require a lie to cover it up later. That explanation is enough for Julian at this moment in time though, as he roughly pulls Noel's head back up so that their lips are met once again in fierce embrace; Julian's dominating tongue easily conquering Noel's submissive.

Julian tears at the buttons on Noel's three day old shirt, as Noel drags his jackets down his arms, before starting the same with his. Their fumbling hands finally manage to shed themselves of the clothes that haven't been changed for days, and then, finally, they have skin to skin contact. Their chests are touching and rubbing together, their nipples becoming hard due to the exposed air they're in, as well as the contact they're currently receiving.

And then Julian's undoing Noel's jeans and trying his best to peel Noel out of them – virtually an impossible task – until Noel makes an irritated noise in the back of his throat and pushes Julian away, pulling up his legs to try and pull his jeans and socks down. Julian, taking the opportunity to undo his trainers, and remove the rest of his clothes. He turns back round to the bed to see Noel taking off the last of his mismatched socks, and his breath hitches with just how gorgeous he looks.

He remembers a time when he used to look at Julia that way… **No**. And before he knows it, he's back on top of Noel to stop any thoughts of his life. Because any thought now will send him away from this, and he needs this. Oh, how he needs this.

"Top drawer" Noel breathes as Julian savagely attacks his neck with his mouth, payback for the marks that Noel left on Julian earlier. Julian breaks away to get a condom and lube, before returning back to Noel, pressing kisses below the base of his ear.

"On your knees" He whispers, and Noel groans as though that's the sexiest thing that Julian could ever have said. Noel scrambles onto all fours as Julian flips the cap on the tube of lube that he has in his hand, before squeezing the gel from the half-empty bottle onto his fingers. He then goes about preparing Noel with his fingers, thrusting first one in, before quickly adding a second and third, scissoring and stretching Noel; leaving him a writhing, sweaty mess on the bed.

"Please. Need you, waited too long" Noel's whimpering and begging, and that just makes Julian harder. He pulls out his fingers quickly, telling Noel to roll over onto his back whilst rolling on the condom. Noel watches Julian as he pours the lube onto his rock-hard cock, stroking himself gently. Not hard enough to get off, but enough to keep his eyes half lidded in arousal and pleasure.

Julian spreads the gel, ensuring his length is covered, before shuffling forward on his knees to meet Noel's opening with the tip of his dick. He bats Noels hands away as he lunges forward to close the gap between them, their tongues once again dancing, as Noel brings his hands to curl around Julian's arms to give him some grip.

He thrusts into Noel, with minimal warning. The shout that Noel gives out is not far off a scream after the little preparation he received, and makes Julian raise up onto his elbows, looking down at Noel with genuine concern. Noel's nails are digging into his bicep with the intensity of what he's feeling right now; his eyes shut and his mouth open where he's thrown his head back in both pleasure and pain – the line between the two blurring to the point where Noel can't tell them apart anymore.

"Noel?" Julian asks, wanting so desperately to move, but he doesn't want to hurt Noel.** As if you haven't already. **Noel opens his eyes to look at Julian so that he can answer his silent query without him having to ask. He smiles dreamily up at Julian, as though in a daze.

"Just… a minute" He rests his forehead so that it's in the crook of Julian's neck breathing deeply so as to steady his nerves. Julian's breathing deeply as well. This stop in their otherwise fast moving evening however, is leaving Julian time to think, which is allowing his mind to wander back to other things again. Such as Lliana, and his kids, and Julia –

Julian's startled from his thoughts by Noel nuzzling into his neck, in a clear sign for Julian to start moving. Apparently Noel's mind has come to the conclusion that Julian will be freaking out in their little breather time, and so has decided to move their pace along again – regardless of if he's really ready or not. Julian's not concerned about that though, as he begins to thrust into Noel's clinging channel.

Noel's moaning into Julian's neck as he pulls out to the tip of his achingly hard cock, before thrusting once again into the tight heat that is Noel. Julian starts up a rhythm, his thrusts becoming easier with every thrust, as the passage becomes slicker and slicker.

Noel's moans are increasing, although they no longer sound positive. Julian misses the obvious signs though, as his orgasm builds up, getting closer and closer.

Julian pumps harder out of his… what? Friend? Boyfriend?

Boyfriend? Where the hell had that come from? Julian wasn't in a relationship with Noel. Was he? No. Well what did that make him then? A fuck buddy? A friend with benefits? Lover?

He faltered in pace. Lover? As in love? As in him being 'in love' with Noel? Was he in love with Noel? Surely not. He loved Julia. Julia. Oh god.

He stopped. The situation had finally dawned on him, and the guilt that hits him like a smack in the face sobers him up faster than ever. He can't do this. He's with Julia for Christ sake! He loves her! He has children with her. For the love of god, what was he doing?

"Ju?" The tiny plea breaks him out of his internal hellfire. His head snaps down to look at Noel, and he comes face to face with two enormous black orbs, ringed with a blue so bright it pierces glass. Those orbs, which he had become so used to seeing beam confidence, cockiness and general happiness, were swimming with uncertainty. Looking into those eyes, Julian nearly gets sucked back into a world where problems don't exist. Where nothing else except those orbs were central for gravity and survival.

Nearly.

"What am I doing?" Noel, oddly enough, seems to relax at his words. Having the opposite effect to the one intended, where Noel freaked out just as much as he did for this disgusting act of 'whatever you wanted to call it'. Noel's eyes slide shut, a blissful smile appearing on his face.

"Ha, you had me worried there. Thought you'd gone all shaky on me. I dunno what you're doing. Why don't you just start up again, hm?" Noel's flirting with him. His sultry voice paired with him opening his eyes so that he's able to peer up at Julian through thick black eyelashes, naked of any makeup, apart from a ring of black around the base of each eye, which might as well be tattooed on. Biting his lip and winking at Julian, intending to get him to start his rhythm up again.

"No."

"Wh-what?" Noel blinks as though looking at Julian properly for the first time without the aid of tinted love eyes that throw everything into perfection, and he looks at Julian now. Really just looks deep into his eyes. Julian can see the moment that it dawns on Noel, as his pupils, so large it looked like he was on drugs, shrink back down to normal size. The thrill of the moment being torn away from him, being replaced with a stark fear that shows through the hurt being projected from his eyes.

"No!" Julian is up across the room, and pulling on his jeans before Noel's even blinked. His senses are returning, and he feels like shit. He feels disgusting. How could he. He's ruined everything, destroyed his life. **What about Noel's?**

**Fuck Noel's!**

**You already did.**

That does it. That really does it. He can't stay. He feels sick. Absolutely sick. Sick to the pit of his stomach – to his very core.

Noel's sat at the edge of the bed, still half-hard and looking as though his world has just come crashing down around him. Which it probably has. And just as Julian thought he couldn't feel more like a dick, Noel speaks.

"What are you doing? I thought you… I thought we…"

"_We?_ What are you? Deluded? There is no _we_. There never has been a _we_, and there never will be a _we_. Not the way you seem to think of _we_ anyway." Julian's harsh. He's harsh, because it isn't right. It isn't natural what they just did. It's all kinds of wrong. Julian's not homophobic, he's not. But being okay with other people being gay, and actually involving yourself in the practice of gay sex are two completely different things.

And Noel is crying now, there is no denying it. There are smudges under his eyes where his tears have dragged his eyeliner down so that it's lower than usual. Crying doesn't suit him. It's never suited him. And it always used to scare Julian whenever he cried. Always made him want to find the fucker that made him cry and break them. Break _them_ for breaking_ him_.

**It was **_**you **_**that's done it this time.**

Julian cannot even think about what he's just done though, because he hasn't just brought this on himself, he's brought Julia and his kids into this now. They cannot find out about this. He has to be harsh. Because if he isn't, he might come back into his life, and he would tell Julia. If Julian is harsh, then he won't want to come back and see him again. He will want to stay as far away from Julian and Julia as possible to avoid the pain.

_He. _Julian had even stopped naming him. Someone who had once been the single most important aspect of his life. He was even blocking out his sight, so that he wasn't looking directly at him, just trying to make him a generic face so that he didn't have to deal with the man who was hurt through words Julian had himself inflicted upon him.

**Or maybe it's one of your pathetic attempts to try and make it hurt less. Block it out for yourself. Because you're selfish. You've**_** always**_** been selfish. Imagining **_**he**_** isn't important so that it hurts you less, even though **_**he's**_** probably dying inside. **

The problem was, Noel was not generic. He never had been. That's what had made him so special in Julian's life, because Noel wasn't like Julian. He meant something. He had purpose in life. That's what had dawn the two together Julian reckons. The fact that they are polar opposites, with Noel as the show off frontman, and Julian's generic face providing a backdrop for the marvellous creature in front of him. The marvellous creature, who now had tears uncontrollably streaming down his face as the true impact of Julian's words were sinking in, burning and tearing at his heart.

"But…" Comes Noel's tiny voice whilst Julian finishes getting dressed, staring at the wall, the window, his shoes, anything! Anything that is, apart from Noel. "But I love you!"

Julian freezes.

"I really do Julian. And I know you might not realise it right now, but I know you love me back. I know you love with me. Just like I love you. But you refuse to see it. Refuse to see what's right in front of you. Me. Why can't you just allow yourself this one thing? Just this once, open your eyes and see. Look at what you have. Because I know you can be happy with me. _You_ know you can be happy with me. But you refuse to admit to yourself that you have feelings for me the same way I have feelings for you. I know you think that you don't. But seriously? What the hell do you think we just did? That's got to mean something right? You coming round here to have sex whilst your partner's away with your children? And don't tell me you weren't enjoying it. I know you. I know you better than anyone else. Better than your kids, Julia – heck, even your mum. So I know that you were enjoying it. The same way that I know you have feelings for me, and that we belong together, but you won't admit to yourself about how you feel. That's one thing I can't understand though Julian. Why won't you admit it to yourself? Why won't you let us be together? I know we would be amazing for each other. We already are! But let us be more. Why won't you just let us be more? Just give us a chance. Because…" **No. Don't say it.** "…I'm in love with you Julian. Please, let's just give _us_ a go, yeah?_ Please…_ Please?"

Noel's moved over to the other side of the bed, the side Julian's closer to, with his arm outstretched and suspended mid-air. He's got his hand out, palm up, ready for Julian's hand to slip into so that he can be led back to the bed with Noel. Led back to a relationship with Noel. Led back to a life with Noel. But it will be different to the one that they had before. And Julian knows, looking at Noel, on his knees at the edge of the bed, naked, and with his arm extended out towards Julian, that he cannot go back with Noel. He can never go back with Noel again, and he can never, ever, see Noel again. This leaves Julian one option. And it kills him inside, it really does. But then again – he's not admitting that to himself is he?

"You think I'm in love with you?" he sneers. His face twisted into a feature that would put a gargoyle to shame, in his attempt to show his disgust at the mere thought of feeling anything of the kind towards Noel.

"Ha! How pathetic can you get? You wanna know the reason I'm round here tonight? Because you're an easy shag. You were mine for the taking, and I just wanted to prove that I could have you. Easily. And you know what? You helped me to prove a point. You were there as a convenience. Because no-one else was around. That's all you are to people Noel. A Convenience. I mean, everyone leaves you after a while don't they. Even Dee. The one person who you said actually meant something to you. Well then where is she? And Lliana? Where's she, come to think of it? She's not around either. What's the matter? Did she get bored as well? I'm not surprised. Who doesn't get bored of you? I mean, what are you really good for? All people want to do is fuck you and suck up some limelight. I've never needed you for limelight though have I? I could have easily made it without you. I probably would've done better without you. I just came round here tonight to prove that I can fuck you just like everybody else has. And I have now. So I won't want to be seeing you ever again. Because why would I want to be seen with anybody like you? I despise you. You disgust me. You are everything I hate, and what's more, you mean nothing to me. You are just a _thirsty bitch_."

Noel gasps, and there it is. The end for them. Because Noel had put his heart out in the open and on the line, and Julian had not merely stepped on it, but run through it with a blade, over and over again; not stopping until there was nothing but a mauled and bloodied lump.

Noel's clutching at his chest and gasping for air as though in psychical pain. As though something inside of him has broken and as a result – has left him unable to breathe properly. Shattering everything else around it until Noel was completely broken inside. And so Julian does what he had tried to do the evening three nights previous – he grabs his coat and runs out towards the door to leave.

Except this time, nobody calls out his name to try and stop him.


	4. Warming Up

Laughter.

Laughter.

Laughter.

**Silence.**

Of all the things that Julian hates most it's the silence. Not literal of course. His kids fighting, Julia shouting at them to pack it in, calling upon Julian for help. But it's the lack of laughter. Sure people do laugh around him, with him and Julia being comedians it's pretty fucking hard not to. It's more the laughter from one person he misses. The way that laugh could make anything seem okay again, because it wouldn't matter if nobody else laughed, just so long as he could make that one person who mattered most to him crack a smile.

"Hey daydreamer." Julia nuzzles his ear from behind where he's sat on the sofa. "Whatcha thinking about?" He turns his head round so that he can see her, and puts everything else out of his mind. He has what he wants. A beautiful woman and two lovely children. _This_ is his life. **Is it?** Yes.

"Oh nothing really. Just stuff."

"Alright Mr. Vague, as you were." They grin at each other before Julian pulls her down to share a slow kiss.

"Errrrrggghhh. Mum! Dad!" They both pull away to grin at each other, before turning to their children – mock innocence and annoyance written on their faces.

"Yes?"

"Can we help you at all?" Julian's biting back a laugh at the disgusted look on their faces. Julia moves round from the back of the sofa to grab the kids.

"If I were you two I'd of kept quiet. C'mon. Bedtime." Julia goes about settling the kids down for bed whilst Julian sits on the sofa, head lolling against the back of the sofa, with his eyes shut and a smile playing about his face at his perfect life.

"Could've helped instead of sitting there like a smug bastard you know." There's a dip in the sofa as Julia sits down next to him, curled into his side. Julian wraps an arm around her, not moving his position otherwise. His smirk gets even bigger.

"It was my turn last time. Fair's fair Jules." He can feel her teeth scraping gently at his neck before a sharp pain at his pulse point where she digs her teeth in. Julian hisses in through his teeth.

"You know, we could always…" Julia doesn't have time to even finish her ellipses though, as Julian has crushed his mouth to hers as he pushes her back into the sofa so that he is half lying on top of her.

It's too good to be true of course.

As soon as Julian has undone the button on Julia's jeans, and has started to worm his hand into the confines of her trousers there is someone at the door – pounding at it as though they were trying to break it. Julian groans and curses his and Julia's bad luck. He can't remember the last time he had proper sex. **Oh really? **Julian shuts his mind up.

Julia pushes Julian away as the insistent knocking continues, standing to do up her trousers. The knocking at the door is loud enough that the kids are almost certainly now awake if they hadn't been previously.

"Julian, fucking get rid of them. Jesus, don't they know we have kids?" the irritation in her voice is clear, "It's bloody nine o'clock. Who the hell comes over at nine to pummel to door down? Jesus." She gets up to storm back into the kids' bedroom to check they're still in bed whilst Julian goes to get the door.

"Alright, I'm coming." Julian shouts to the door as he goes to answer it. The hammering doesn't stop though, just continues as Julian gets ever closer.

"I said alright!" he wrenches open the door, fully prepared to give whoever the fuck feels it's appropriate to break down his door with their fists whilst his kids live here a piece of his mind. He stops in his tracks as soon as he sees Dave stood on his doorstep. But this is different to all other times that Dave has visited.

Dave's eyes are rimmed with red, and that in itself is shocking. Dave never cries. Ever. The one time that Julian had actually seen him cry had been at his daughter's birth. But they had been different tears. They had been because of happiness. These tears were not the tears of joy; in fact they were the complete opposite. These tears were angry, heartbroken and disbelieving.

These were tears of betrayal.

Dave storms past Julian straight into the front room. He skips the small talk and gets straight down to business.

"How could you be such a cold-hearted bastard?" his voice breaks on the last word, as though he doesn't want to believe it. **You don't want to believe what you said either…**

"I mean, are you sure you covered everything whilst you were tearing him to shit? Are you sure there wasn't anything that you missed out in his life that you could've thrown straight back into his face? His drug problem perhaps? I think you missed that one out whilst you were shattering everything that he has worked_ so_ hard to put together, whilst digging up shit that he had put behind him and buried. But no. You come back into his life, give him a glimmer of hope, and then pull the rug out from under his feet, before throwing every mistake he has ever made back at him".

Julian had never seen Dave look so angry. He didn't think Dave _could_ ever be this angry. Then again, he'd never had just cause to be this angry.** Until now.**

Just how many people's lives are you willing to fuck with to ensure that you remain fucking _untouchable_?" He spits the last word at Julian, the tears that he had successfully held back threatening to spill over now.

Julia comes out of the kids' bedroom then, anger on her face at the level of which Dave's talking at, and the amount of swearing going on. Her face is pure rage until she catches sight of Dave, and it at once turns to one of concern. **How many more people can you hurt you selfish prick?**

"Dave?" Dave's head snaps round to meet the voice, and at once the mask that has been on his face since he entered melts into a polite smile that isn't entirely convincing, due to the hard line of his jaw where he's gritting his teeth. "My god. What's happened? Are you –" She looks at Julian then, who's pretty sure he is also on the verge of tears, and her face immediately changes to one of understanding and even more concern. "Noel? Is it Noel? What's happened? Julian, do you need to go and stay with him, I can look after the kids while you do? Or I can take them away again and he can come here? Whatever you –"

"No." Julian's voice is firm and delivers a note of finality. The razor sharp edge to it makes Dave flinch, a movement that doesn't go unnoticed by Julia's perceptive eyes. Her gaze flicks back to Julian and her eyes narrow at the tone in which he's spoken.

Dave's phone is piercing in the silence. He immediately has it out of his pocket and has hit the answer button before Julian even has a chance to blink.

"Hello? No darling its fine I – No I'm not." His eyes flicker briefly to Julian, as though a warning to keep it shut. "Honestly, I'm – Yeah. No sweetheart don't worry yourself about it! No! Don't try that yourself, I'll do it. I'm on my way now. See you soon yeah? Okay. Love you too." He hangs up the phone, and glares at Julian, before plastering on that not quite convincing smile before turning to Julia.

"Sorry I've caused such a fuss. I should go. I'm sorry if I woke the kids up or anything, I wasn't thinking. Sorry." His voice breaks on the last word giving his façade away completely, he keeps it in place anyway in the vain hope that Julia hasn't noticed. **She has.**

"Dave, if there's anything I can do…" The sincerity in her voice and her genuine concern makes bile rise in Julian's throat. He swallows it back down.

"I'll walk you to the door." Julian turns on his heel without waiting for a reply, knowing Dave will be hot on his heels to continue his rant. As soon as he reaches the door he opens it, and turns round to face Dave in what is very clearly an order to leave the house. Immediately.

Dave ignores this though and stares at Julian impassively. For a minute it's just Dave and himself, staring each other out, until Julian gives in and looks at his shoes to start speaking.** You can't even look at him whilst you talk? You're ashamed of yourself – and so you should be.**

"I don't want to hurt her." Dave's laugh at that is bitter. **Can you blame him?**

"Yeah? What about Noel, Julian? All you do is hurt him. Doesn't that even matter to you? And I'm not just talking emotionally here. I'm referring to the rough treatment you gave him two nights ago when you decided to fuck him so hard he bled." Julian's head snaps up, concerned immediately. He knew he'd been rough. He'd had blood on him when he'd returned to the flat. He'd blocked it out though, forgetting about it till now, and so now he needs to know. He couldn't bear it if he'd really done Noel damage. Dave seems to sense this though as he reassures him.

"Don't worry. You didn't do any real harm. It's more that you care more about someone you've known, what, five minutes in comparison? That's what's eating him up. You're seriously telling me you love her more? No. Don't you dare give me that shit! I'm sorry, I really am, but you've brought this on yourself. Because this isn't to do with her is it?" Dave's voice has been rising slowly throughout, so he lowers his voice – remembering that Julia is merely in the other room.

"I know you love her. But you cannot deny your feelings for Noel. Don't get me wrong, I like Julia – I mean we all do! But seeing what you've done to Noel because of her?" He gives a small humourless laugh. "What are you so afraid of? You know how you feel deep down, I know you do. I've seen the way you look at him, even if you don't notice. Just admit it to yourself and maybe you'll find you can be a little bit happier in life than you have been recently."

Dave steps over to the coat hooks, and grabs the jacket that Noel had left on _that night_, before stepping outside and facing Julian with a wan smile. "Vintage. Cost him a fortune. He'd be really mad if I hadn't brought it back for him." And with that Dave walks away, leaving Julian alone with what he's said as he slowly closes the door – dreading the argument that will no doubt now break out with Julia.

He walks slowly into the room to find Julia exactly as he expected – arms crossed stood with a blank expression on her face to give away nothing about how she's feeling. He knows that she'll say something in a minute, demanding an explanation, something which he knows will piss him off even more than he already is. **You've brought it on yourself.**

"Well?" And there it is. Julian immediately feels a flash of anger, even though he knows he has absolutely no right to do so. This beautiful woman has done nothing to him, and yet the anger he feels as she asks is so strong, it's almost hate.

"Well what?"

"What the hell was all that about" Still with her voice so level and smooth.

"Nothing." His voice tremors.

"Julian I'm not an idiot, so stop fucking treating me like one. You and Dave are in the living room, Dave's shouting for all it's worth at you, crying; you're on the verge of tears about whatever it was, and it doesn't take a genius to work out what it is about."

"You have no idea what you're talking about" Julian's voice is bland and emotionless.

"Yes I do. You got all weird as soon as I mentioned Noel." **Damn her persistence. **"Not to mention Dave's call – there's only one person he could've been speaking to like that, and the only other time I remember Dave using a tone like that around him was during his drug problem, so I know this is big; don't even bother trying to lie to me." Julian says absolutely nothing. "And considering you seem to care so little despite the fact that you two are supposedly best mates, I'm guessing Dave was round here shouting at you because of something that's happened between you and Noel."

Julian's eyes are vast filling with tears again. The situation is slipping from his fingers, and soon he will have no control over the situation whatsoever.

"It wasn't about anything. Really. It doesn't matter."

"Don't lie to me Julian for fuck sake!" She's shouting now and it's so abrupt that Julian has to take a step back. She seems to take a breath before continuing in a steadier but equally unmeasured voice. "I heard you. At the door. I heard what you said to Dave. You said 'I don't want to hurt her'. And I'm assuming you were referring to me, unless you're having an affair" She spits the last word at Julian, and before he can inform his body that reacting to that word would be a real problem, and probably won't go unnoticed, he's flinched and tightly shut his eyes as soon as the word has fully left her mouth.

It doesn't go unnoticed.

"Oh my God." The exhalation of air is enough to show how winded she is. **She knows.** "Oh. My god." Her voice is louder now and steadier, and Julian opens his eyes to look at her. Might as well try to convince her otherwise.

"I'm not having an affair." The statement is blunt and sounds dull as it falls from his lips and he inwardly curses himself for sounding so unconvincing. **It's not entirely untrue…**

"Then why did you flinch." She fires straight back at him, the venom in her voice almost causes him to flinch again, but he holds back.

"I flinched because of the ludicrous insinuation that I was having an affair." **It was just that one time. You know the one Julia? The one when you were away and I was fucking Noel?**

"Then who were you fucking talking about at the door?"

"For fuck sake it was you!" He isn't sure why he shouts. It isn't like a big revelation or secret. **Not like if she found out…**

"Me? Why were you talking about me then?"

"It doesn't matter."

"I think it does."

"It isn't important."

"Well then what the hell is it that I don't know?"

"What?"

"Well obviously I don't know something that I should do, as it would _'hurt me'_."

**Shit.** "Don't do this"

"What is it?"

"Please"

"What aren't you telling me Julian?"

"I can't. Just let me –"

"For fuck sake Julian stop pissing about, and fucking tell me whatever it is that I need to know." This is the loudest that either of them shouts. It's so loud that everything seems to freeze.

The silence in the air is loud. The clock ticking is the only indication that time is actually passing, because nothing else in the room is moving. Only the hand of the clock as the steady tick goes round.

"Mum?"

Both adults turn to look at the child in the doorway, a look of confusion and worry etched upon his young features. He's too young to have that look upon his face. Too young to understand what proper troubles the world can inflict. He used to say that to Noel. That he was too young to fully understand the world he lived in. That he wasn't a fully grown man, he was just a tiny version of a proper grown up. A Little Man. _His_ Little Man.

**You old fool.**

"Hey sweetheart. What're you doing up?" Julian's snapped out of his epiphany by Julia's soothing voice from where she's gone to kneel down next to their son in the bedroom doorway.

"Can't sleep. I heard shouting." Julia looks around him.

"Where's your brother?"

"He's still asleep." He looks up to Julian then and frowns even more. "Dad, why are you crying?"

Julian's hands make their way up to his face to indeed find that his cheeks are damp. He pulls his hands away and looks at them in front of his face. There's a perfect tear balanced on the index finger of his right hand.

"Julian?" He shuts his eyes tightly against the light of the room which is suddenly too much for him to bear. He listens to the world. The house deathly silent. Apart from the noise of the traffic outside, the buzz of the fridge next door in the kitchen, and the breathing of one man. Just one.

One man in the room where there should have been two. Where there had been two just under a week previously. The loud ticking of a clock suddenly makes him open his eyes to look at it. A Boosh clock. He looks back at his hands to see the tear rolling down the length of his index finger, before it drops.

Julian watches it as it falls, splashing onto the screen of a mobile. _Noel's_ mobile. And suddenly – it's all clear.

"Julian!" His head snaps up to see identical frowns facing him. He turns to Julia, who's eyebrows relax as she figures out what he's about to do, just through one look.

"I'm not sorry."

And with that, Julian picks up the phone and, for the third time this week, grabs his coat on the way to the front door.


End file.
